Kotomine Kirei, Sandaime Hokage
by Last Comma 1st
Summary: Kotomine Kirei is the Sandaime Hokage. Yeah, you read that right. No, it doesn't make any logical sense. Yes, just go with it.
1. Your parents are dead

**A/N: I should probably focus on my first story, of which even the first chapter is unfinished, but I have found myself lacking inspiration regarding ****_Servant Butler: At Your Service_**** as of late. On the other hand, this little piece popped into my head. These will all be little drabbles that can stand on their own, though some may be connected. I've got a few ideas planned out but this is the first that came to me and I wanted to put it up.**

**Disclaimer: Like Kotomine, I derive great satisfaction from causing others to suffer and despair.**

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><p>Chapter 1: Your parents are dead<p>

A five year old Uzumaki Naruto walked into the Hokage's office.

"Hey, Jiji? What happened to my parents?" he asked of the Hokage, an innocent expression on his young, whiskered face.

The Hokage's lips twitched up for a fraction of a second before he could restrain his smile. He had been waiting for this day.

"They're dead," he answered simply, relishing as Naruto's expression morphed into one of sadness.

"W-what?" the boy choked out.

"They're dead. They were killed not even an hour after you were born."

At this point Naruto's blue eyes were filled with tears, and the Hokage was not able to keep the smile from his face. Relentlessly, he continued to crush the child's hopes.

"You are aware that your birth coincides with the Kyuubi's attack on the village, yes?" He continued without waiting for a reply. "As you were about to be crushed beneath one of it's paws your parents jumped in front of you, ending up impaled on one of the monster's claws."

The tears were freely flowing down Naruto's face now.

"It would not be inaccurate to say that you caused the death of your parents. Had they not been burdened with the task of defending a weak child they would have survived the attack, able to live a happy life together."

He leaned forward in his seat so that he could get a better view of the boy's face.

The smile still present of his face, he said, "So tell me, Naruto-kun… how does that make you feel?"

Seconds later the door to the Hokage's office burst open and the receptionist was treated to the sight of a bawling Naruto fleeing from the office. She could hear the Hokage's deep, cruel laughter echoing from inside the office.

"Rejoice, Uzumaki Naruto," Kotomine Kirei, the Sandaime Hokage of Konohagakure, called after the boy, "for your question has been answered!"

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><p><strong>AN: I hope you liked it.**


	2. Puppies

**A/N: It's messed up, but there's no way you didn't see this coming.**

**Disclaimer: Only two animals were harmed during the making of this chapter.**

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><p>Chapter 2: Puppies<p>

"Hokage-sama, what were you doing at the Inuzuka clan compound?"

"Kicking puppies."

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry that it's so short (hell, even then author's note is longer), but I thought it worked best like that. I would like to go on the record saying that I adore animals, especially puppies. Will that stop Kirei from doing what he loves? No. Keep in mind that the story is listed in the tragedy section.**

**Also, I think Kirei would be more of a cat person (but maybe that's because I just watched Austin Powers recently and I'm projecting Dr. Evil onto him).**

**Finally, does anyone have any ideas on how to incorporate jogging into one of these chapters? I'm thinking of doing it in a Lee/Gai chapter, but I haven't come up with an idea for them yet.**


	3. Can you imagine being raised by Kirei?

**A/N: Another chapter, woohoo! This takes place during the second stage of the Chunin Exam, in case you couldn't tell.**

**Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that a lot of the characters' social/emotional/mental issues, in both the Narutoverse and the Nasuverse, could be treated/resolved by going to therapy. Maybe there are no ninja/magus therapists...  
><strong>

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><p>Chapter 3: Can you imagine being raised by Kirei?<p>

"What have you done to Sasuke-kun? Why are you doing this to us?!" yelled an exhausted Sakura as she knelt next to Sasuke's trembling body.

"Ku ku ku... As to your first question, that is mearly my parting gift to the last surviving Uchiha," said Orochimaru, his capacity for speech unimpaired despite the fact that half of his face appeared to have melted off.

"As for the second, well..."

The Sannin grimaced slightly as he recalled his childhood, but continued to answer the girl, for reasons he himself did not understand (really, why had he not killed her yet?).

"...my mentor was the Sandaime Hokage," he finished.

"Oh, um..." Despite the severity of the situation, Sakura couldn't help but blink dumbly as she took a moment to process the entirety of the misery implicit in that statement.

"I-I'm sorry that you had to through that," she finally said, torn between unparalleled fear of the monster in human skin that stood before her, and unparalleled pity for a man who was probably in desperate need of a therapist.

It was somewhat uncomfortable for him, seeing such an expression of pity on the face of a girl he could likely kill in his sleep.

"Yes, well, " Orochimaru coughed, unsure how to conclude the conversation. This was pretty awkward. "See you in a month when I invade your village, I suppose. Goodbye."

"See you lat- wait, what?"

Naruto's body fell from where it was pinned to the tree.

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><p>In his office, the Sandaime looked up from his paperwork. Somewhere out there, somewhere in the world, someone was suffering because of him. He didn't know who and he didn't know why, but none the less a small smile spread across his face.<p>

The ANBU hidden in the shadows shuddered.

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><p><strong>AN: I don't feel that this is my best work, so feedback on how I can improve would be much appreciated. Til' next time!**


	4. Mapo Tofu Flavored Ramen

**A/N: I just had to get Kirei's favorite food in here somewhere. This chapter doesn't actually have him appear, surprisingly enough, though I think you'll be able to imagine his satisfaction and behind-the-scenes manipulations quite well. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Have you ever noticed that the situation with the Sage of Six Paths and the Jyuubi is remarkably similar to the one with Zelretch and Crimson Moon Brunestud? I mean, in Naruto, you've got some big space creature called down to destroy/punish/other-adjective the human race because Kaguya ate the planet's special fruit (tell me that's not taken straight from the story of Adam and Eve), which is then defeated by some really powerful sage dude who launches it, and about a quarter of the planet's current mass, into space to create a moon-prison. Then, in the Nasuverse, you've got an alien vampire from the moon, sent to eradicate humanity in response to the planet's call for help to stop humans from destroying it, which is then defeated by a super wizard who prevented the Earth from being struck by a second moon made the the alien vampire thing. I'm not the only one to notice the similarities, right?**

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><p>Chapter 4: Mapo Tofu Flavored Ramen<p>

Naruto walked into Ichiraku's Ramen, taking a seat on one of the stools at the bar.

"Two bowls of beef ramen, please!" the young blonde called out.

Ichiraku Teuchi, the owner of the ramen stand, smiled at his best customer.

"Are you sure about that? We just added a new dish to the menu," he told the boy.

"Oh! What is it? Whatisitwhatisitwhatisit?!" Naruto said as he practically bounced up and down in his seat.

"Heheh," Teuchi chuckled, bringing out a steaming bowl of ramen from seemly nowhere. "Settle down, kid. Why don't you just give it a try? You know, I actually got the recipe from Hokage-sama, believe it or not!"

That should have been Naruto's clue to be more cautious. While to the civilian population of Konoha, the Sandaime was a beloved hero of the village, always polite and willing to offer advise to those that asked, the ninja population knew better. Oh sure, he did his job running the village and protecting its people, no one could argue against that. It was that despite his friendly demeanor, despite his amazing competence, the one thing he enjoyed most was making people suffer, both emotionally and, when he could get away with it, physically.

So yes, that should have clued Naruto in that something invented by the Hokage probably wasn't all that it seemed, but, engrossed as he was with preparing to eat the noodle dish in from of him, he payed about as much attention to Teuchi as he did to Iruka-sensei's lectures. Which is to say, none.

He took his first bite and his eyes shot wide open.

"So," Teuchi asked eagerly, "how do you like my mapo tofu flavored ramen?"

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><p>That day, there was a change in the Elemental Nations, one heralded by a sound that echoed across the continent. A scream, full of anguish so profound that it would continue to haunt the dreams of those that heard it for many years.<p>

That was the day Uzumaki Naruto stopped eating ramen.

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading, especially if you read my disclaimer/rant/anime conspiracy theory. Also, here is a fun(ish) fact about the _Kotomine Kirei, Sandaime Hokage _universe:**

**"S-rank" stands for "Servant-rank."**

**Thanks again! See you next time!**


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